No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Cndnsd Mlk
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.