I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town