Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Personal question. #JustSaying
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar