What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What