boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
step 6: release the wall snake
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Denise please return my vape pen
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.