Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.