My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
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Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do