Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
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oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia