friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Lassie, get help!