You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
welp
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…