11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
haha same
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂