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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Weirdos gonna weird.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.