Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Said the murderer.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
all that yoga finally paid off
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.