I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
only 11 steps left
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam