Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Boom, boom, ching!
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?