“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
In Canada they just call them geese
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.