Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.