Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
my nickname in college
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
lol
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol