[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.