Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
You Might Also Like
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Have kids, they said
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.