her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
6. me as a lawyer
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I believe the plural is “milves.”