Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
wut hotdog?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.