Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you