Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.