It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
WWE is French for “yes”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.