I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”