My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Doggies just call it style.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
🍛
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*