Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.