If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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Simple
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Tier 3 meme
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit