I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
moms in horror movies
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
i prefer mine room temperature.