When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
my fav colour is also hitler
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.