Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Plant care tips
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that