HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
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The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?