For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”