Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’