One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets