ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
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when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.