It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
You Might Also Like
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
*Inspirational Tweets*
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.