i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count