“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
$3 #books
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
A completely valid reaction tbh
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok