PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.