A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me irl
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Unimpressed
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.