Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
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After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*