Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
You Might Also Like
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale