A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”