Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.