Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
A wise man once said nothing.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’m going to need a moment here.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in