I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
You Might Also Like
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
What kind of a cult is this?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you