At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
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The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
concern
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
So creative 😂
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers