Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
You Might Also Like
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I see your IQ test came back negative
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres